“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫