What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
You know I’m something of a chef myself
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.