I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
You Might Also Like
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever