FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit đ
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: iâve seen their work. no thanks.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said âHave you tried euthanasia?â and in the background my mom yelled âFor the last time, itâs echinacea!â
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
*starts the âFight Fight Fightâ chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband theyâre Christmas presents for him and he doesnât ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Iâm goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well itâs not like youâll eat anything else, Greg!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Based on my dateâs reaction, they should really call them âUnhappy Meals.â
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Most fears fill us with doubt and âwhat ifsâ that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and youâll grow and succeed!
đ¸: @blessingmanifesting
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks heâs allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesnât itch when itâs chocolate covered almondsâŚ
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I donât think my family will ever accept me.
First itâs âget a hobby,â now itâs âstop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.â
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.