My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.