[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.