When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Lmao the reply
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.