Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Doctors texting each other.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.