There is so much going on in this video β¦ I donβt know who to focus on πππ hilarious
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Atheist: I canβt believe itβs not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chefβs Hat: he knows too much
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she βliterally diedβ, I have so many questions.
Always blow your man. PamdΓ© went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
ME: hey Iβm just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk Iβll scream