Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
no such thing as a dumb question
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The three genders.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though