I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Dear Lord..
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered