devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
They’re not wrong
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked