Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
dads on road-trips be like
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Schrödinger’s cookie
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead