I hate when that happens.
You Might Also Like
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”