[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
You Might Also Like
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said