I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.