If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.