me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
This is not me but this is me
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Beware…..
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?