Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
You Might Also Like
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
These are my roll models.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.