Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.