Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
one last job
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.