Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.