4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
when you order from DoorDastardly
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
💯😂
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
584.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…