Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”