me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.