People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
same vibe as tangled headphones
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.