Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
You Might Also Like
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
never ask a starfish for directions
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd