Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
we all know this pain all too well
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November