She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Put this video in the Louvre
Anyone really
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Cake!!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.