I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
True.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
#TopTip
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”