How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.