Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
AM I BEING GASLIT????
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Lmao 🤣
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors