Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
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Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume