Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
You Might Also Like
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no