My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
pictures of spider-man