Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad