If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
⛄️
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.