H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
marvel comics have peaked
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!