Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break