put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person