My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
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I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.