The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir