Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
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Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.