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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
This one’s “Alex”.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
BETRAYAL
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.