If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro