Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.