Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all