You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?