Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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Squirrels before girls.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs