”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.